Snarklight
by prettyflour
Summary: Twilight moments dripping in snark. A parody.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer****:** I'm just a snarky gal. I don't own Twilight.

**Warning****:** The following is a parody or what some would call a crackfic. I will shamelessly poke fun at any and all characters with bad, snark-filled jokes. Just sayin...

Thank you to **MrsK****81 **for pre-reading and to my beta, **Vintagejgc****!**

* * *

**_Here __we __have __the __scene __from __Eclipse __after __Jacob __kisses __Bella__. __Bella__'__s __point __of __view__._**

"Stop it!" I stood between the two of them, a frail mortal girl, a danger magnet in between a duo of pissed off vampire and werewolf.

Charlie huffed. "Shows over folks. If you don't live here, get out, except for you, Jake." He gave Jake a wink and a thumbs up which was reciprocated.

I turned my head, slowly looking at each one of them, narrowing my eyes at these men before me. All of them on my shit list.

Edward. I was still mad at him for not telling me about Victoria coming back. He'd whisked me off to Florida in a lame attempt to hide her return and he also failed to mention that she just happened to be planning my demise. _And_ he was still playing hard to get. The horror! Smut lovers everywhere run screaming from his rampant cockblocking. He was going to cause me to combust, I swear!

Jacob. Had my right hook swayed him? No. The cute bastard tried to flirt with me the whole way home and he was flexing his biceps, waggling his eyebrows too. I was too pissed to tell him that he looked like a moron.

Charlie. He was fist pumping while chanting, "Jacob! Jacob!"

I took this as a sign that Charlie had no idea that I was morbidly obsessed with Edward Cullen. Why couldn't he grasp that Jacob had no chance? Wake up and smell the venom Charlie! Jeez!

I pointed at Jacob and growled, "You. Go. Now."

"Bella-"

"No." I stuck my finger in his face and waved it around in a menacing nature. "Don't say anything, just go." He gave me an ironic puppy dog look and I grimaced. "Apparently I wasn't clear before. I've made my choice, I love him, Jake. Now get out. I'll sneak off to the rez in a few days. S_orta__-__kinda__-__love__-__you__-__but__-__not__-__really_-kay Bye!"

He slowly sauntered away looking over his shoulder twice before getting in his little Rabbit and making his best effort to drive away fast. Edward snorted.

I turned to Charlie. "You. Me. In the kitchen. Now."

Once inside, Charlie stood his ground. Taking the cop stance, he stared me down, his mustache twitching in a show of aggression.

I huffed. "Listen, Dad, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't encourage Jacob. I'm with Edward, you know that!"

He shrugged. "Jacob is awesome. I have to question your judgment on this. Jacob's better looking than Edward, funnier than Edward, and have you seen his abs, Bella?"

"Dad!" Of course I've seen his abs. Pfft.

I couldn't reason with him. He was wearing a Team Jacob T-shirt for Christ's sake!

"I'm going to see Dr. Cullen about my hand." I handed him a beer and waved him away.

And off we went in the shiny Volvo, my mighty jealous vampire driving at break neck speed. I ignored him during the drive- other than using his arm as an ice-pack for my poor swollen hand. Edward sighed, "I'm glad you punched him, but I'm sorry about your hand."

"Totally worth it." I smiled. "Sort of." I grimaced, stupid Jake, all hard and strong and warm; Charlie was right about his abs, but I digress.

We pulled up to the house and Edward zipped me inside at vampire speed, depositing me in front of Carlisle who winced, "What happened?"

"I punched a werewolf in the face. Totally bad ass right?"

"Totally bad ass." Emmett called out and then zipped into the room laughing. "She'll make a fine vampire, she's fighting with the wolves already." He winked at me.

Jasper sauntered in after him. "At least she's not bleeding this time." Edward glared at him.

Carlisle snickered. "Oh, Bella, what will I do with my time after you've been turned? I won't need to tend to your many, many injuries anymore."

"Oh, you'll be plenty busy babysitting my newborn ass, making sure I don't slaughter the whole town, isn't that right, Edward?" I batted my eyelashes at him.

He sniffed. "Okay, _Mrs_. Cullen."

I gasped. Damn him and his compromises. So unfair!

Can you believe it? Me, married at eighteen? I shuddered at the thought.

Or the opposite... Me, trading in the plain old Bella Swan model for a brand new smoking-hot Bella Cullen vampire model? Oh hell yes. I'd be eighteen forever looking like that. Sign me up!

I eyed him warily, trying to see how far I could take this.

"Fine but I want sex on our honeymoon."

Apparently I'd forgotten that Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper were still in the room. Damn my flawed human senses. I slapped my hand over my mouth about two seconds too late.

Edward's mouth was agape, he looked appalled or embarrassed. Emmett and Jasper didn't bother trying to hide their obvious amusement over my statement, both of them doubled over in laughter. Carlisle was quietly giggling as he ushered them out. Jasper turned before leaving and said, "Fly out to Vegas _now_ and get Edward laid _tonight_. Please, Bella, he needs this! His sexual frustration is unbearable." Carlisle dragged him out of the room.

I grabbed Edward's sleeve and tugged repeatedly until he finally closed his mouth and stared down at me.

"Well?" I tapped my foot impatiently.

His eyes went wide. "Do you have a death wish? First it's punching werewolves, and now it's pushing me to the very edge of control! Do you realize how easily I could kill you?"

So that was it. The battle of my mortality versus my rampant teenage hormones had reared its ugly head, forcing me to act out in a dramatic manner. _Oh__no__!_ Now he'd done it. I can feel the tears well up in my eyes due to his continuous rejection. Commence sad indie music interlude, I look away and let my tears fall. I am emo.

I sniffled and pouted. I wouldn't look at him, instead I gazed down upon my ugly ass tennis shoe.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "Please don't cry. I hate it when you cry."

"Then stop refusing me!" I huffed and looked up at him. Jeez, he was hot, even with a frown. I sighed, only vampires could make frown lines look so sexy. I had to resist the urge to lick the wrinkle on his forehead.

I narrowed my eyes at it. Stupid fuck-hot wrinkle.

My temper flared and I poked the wrinkle which only succeeded in making it crease even more. For some reason this make me angry, I think because it looked even_sexier_. I grabbed Edward's head and tried to flatten out the wrinkle with my palm until he relaxed and his forehead was once again a dazzling flat slope of awesomeness.

I pulled back smiling and noticed that Edward was staring at me with one eye brow raised.

_Fuuuuuck__._ His eyebrow looked so hot like that. I fantasized about licking that eyebrow, sucking on it too.

Damn that eyebrow. Damn us both to hell where I can use it as my play thing.

His eyebrow raised even higher.

"Arrrg!" I threw myself out of the chair and marched up to Edward's room. Confusion took hold of me as I walked through the door of his bedroom. There was a giant bed.

"What is _this_?" I may have squeaked out that last word. Drenched my panties too.

"It's a bed. I thought it might come in handy when you want to sleep," he replies a bit too matter-of-factly for my tastes.

What should be a thoughtful gesture makes me seethe. _Sleep__?_ Bah! There are lots of things I want to do in that bed and_sleep_ isn't one of them.

I walk over to the monstrosity and take a closer look. I swear the pillows are mocking me in their fluffiness, that beige comforter too.

I sit on it and damn, is it comfy. I swear I'm getting sleepy just sitting on the thing. On cue, I yawn and Edward asks, "Are you tired?"

He sits next to me and softly runs his finger over my thumb. "How is your hand? Still sore?"

I lie on my back and sigh. "Yes, I'm tired, and yes, my hand is still sore. Be my ice pack?"

He laid back beside me and gently took my hand, kissing it then clasping it between both of his.

"Please don't be mad at me, Bella." He's using the seductive voice. _Bastard__. _

"I want you." I say then continue to pout a little, trying desperately not to molest his hand and failing miserably. I closed my eyes and imagined that I was touching something _other_ than his hand- something longer, _thicker_. I stroked his fingers up and down and I felt bold _and_ completely turned on. I wanted to take it further. "Please, I want to touch you."

I probably should have waited for him to respond but I didn't. What? I was swept up in the moment, hormones had taken over my body causing me to reach over and touch him_._ I palmed him over his jeans and I was stunned.

It was...impossibly hard.

I squeezed it and gaped when it twitched hard enough to throw my hand off. Um... Maybe I _should_ be scared about letting him fuck me with this thing...

_Nah__._

Look at it! It's straining against his jeans, the fabric groaning in protest. His cock totally wants me. It's trying to come and get me! _Holy__..._

Hot! Hot! Hot!

I had the urge to beg him, plead with him to let me keep going but I didn't have to. He went absolutely still, eyes focused on my hand, watching as I slide it slowly up and then down his length.

He didn't stop me.

His eyes were glued to my hands, consumed in what I was doing to him. It was the hottest thing I'd ever seen.

Jeans or no, I was on a mission, steadfast in my stroking. I rubbed him slow at first, then faster, my eyes widening as his cock twitched again but it was slower this time, again and again, pulsating. His hips gave the slightest flex up and the seams gave way- his cock ripping through his boxers and the denim of his jeans, but I held on tight, refusing to let go.

He whimpered. Several times.

Then he was gone.

_What __the __fuck__?_

"Edward," I groan-whispered, my hand out-stretched and empty- stroking the air.

He came zipping through the door wearing a different pair of jeans and I couldn't help but smile about that. I just gave my boyfriend a hand job. Over the jeans,_sort__of__,_ but still.

He looked down at me, my silly grin firmly in place. His expression was soft, maybe a little sheepish. A good look for him, all cute with his wide honey eyes.

"What are you thinking?" He asked, smiling right back at me.

I bit my lower lip, dragging it through my teeth. "I wanna do that again."

**~O~**

Thanks for reading my snarky shenanigans. I hope you enjoyed. Leave a review? Pretty please?

Will there be more Snarklight? I hope so, but I'm in need of some inspiration. So... If you have any ideas or suggestions, please let me know!

**A ****few ****fic ****recs****, ****in ****case ****you****'****re ****looking ****for ****something ****to ****read****.**

**New ****Beginning ****by ****don****'****teatmycookie****._ Summary_**: Bella uses Edward's laptop to start a journal. **_FUNNY as hell!_**

**Chalk ****by ****Honeybeemeadows****. _Summary: _**Bella needs a new hobby. Will a new pair of ugly shoes, a shirtless guy and a bag full of chalk give her any relief from the boredom? Rated for various tensions, lemons and boys on rocks. I own nothing, not even a crash pad._** Go! Read this! Now!**_

and for you Sookie and Eric lovers out there...

**The ****Dead ****Man ****of ****Shreveport ****by ****Miral****. _Summary:_ **What happens when a 1,000 year old Viking Vampire Sheriff and a 26 year old telepathic barmaid partner up to solve mysteries? What doesn't happen might be the better question. A supernatural romantic comedy. AU, SVM canon thru Club Dead.


	2. The Bucket List

**Disclaimer: **I'm just a snarky gal. I don't own Twilight.

**Warning: **The following is a parody or what some would call a crackfic. I will shamelessly poke fun at any and all characters with bad, snark-filled jokes. Just sayin...

Big thanks to my beta, **Vintagejgc!**

This scene takes place post Eclipse, pre-Breaking Dawn.

* * *

"Oh, come on!" Alice looks horrified. After a slow shake of her head she calmly places the sheet of paper onto the desk and sighs. "Edward is going to have a fit."

"Why?" I frown. "This was _his _suggestion."

"This isn't quite what he had in mind." She gives me a knowing look, her perfect brow arching in a comical height.

"It's the only thing I want." I shrug. It's the truth.

"That's it? There is nothing else? Somewhere you want to travel perhaps?"

I snort. "Yeah, Vegas, to one of those drive-thru wedding chapels."

She huffs and rises to stand so that she can look down at me- baring her teeth just enough to look threatening.

I snort again and purposely waver in my decisions regarding the wedding. I ponder the possibility of being married by some Elvis look-alike. A young Elvis. None of that fat, white, bedazzled jumpsuit business. Ew. No, thank you.

"If I get one more vision of you two in Vegas, I will take you over my knee and spank the shit out of you."

"Have you been reading Fifty Shades of Grey again?"

She rolls her eyes. "That's beside the point. I'm serious, Bella. No Vegas!"

I sigh and firmly decide to get married here in Forks, as planned.

"Good," she says and gone is her mock-scary face. "Now..." She holds up... _the shoes._ The most evil shoes I have ever seen. They're pretty, of course, matching my dress perfectly, but a five inch heel? Seriously? I'm suddenly convinced that Alice wants to kill me.

"Um..." Is my glorious response. I stare at them in horror, my ankles shivering in fright. "Alice..."

"You'll be fine." She waves in a nonchalant manner. "You just need to practice."

Jasper strides into the room and gives me a curious look before saying, "You're scaring her, Alice. I'm talking deep-rooted fear. "

"Yeah," I add with a nod. I try to muster up a tear or two for show but I get nothing. I settle for curling into a ball on the couch and proceed to bite my nails.

"No, no, no!" Alice shrieks. "Get those fingers away from your mouth or the French manicure I have planned will be ruined!"

"Flats," I whisper in desperation, "Please."

I picture myself tripping while walking down the aisle, breaking an ankle or two and I whimper, my eyes starting to water.

Yeah, I'm laying it on thick, but whatever. I have to protect myself from _any _possible injury. Edward is strict enough with physical boundaries as is and knowing him... He wouldn't even consider sex if I was already hurt in some way.

I'm not taking any chances where sex with Edward is concerned. It's happening on our honeymoon dammit! The shoes have to go. I consider forming a plan to destroy them but stop immediately. This isn't something I can't plan or Alice will see.

She sits beside me and pats my head. "Silly Bella, don't you trust me?"

"I suppose," I mumble remembering the James fiasco and the Victoria debacle. It's not that I doubt Alice's abilities; my hesitation comes from my danger-magnet tendencies. If I fall and cut myself in the presence of vampires, things could go sooooooo wrong. Been there. Done that. Have the scars to prove it.

"What the hell is this?" Jasper asks and in his hand is the sheet of paper that Alice had placed on the desk.

"It's Bella's bucket list," Alice responds, narrowing her eyes at me.

Jasper cracks up laughing. "This..." Laugh. "Is." More laughing. Cackling really. "Hilarious."

He turns and smirks at me. "I think the odds are in your favor, Bella. I mean, he wants you to have a _traditional _honeymoon, so..."

"Exactly!" Alice adds, "which is precisely why you need to revise this list. Get creative with it. Edward has substantial means. I would bet that he could give you anything you want, anything, Bella!"

I huff and sit up, crossing my arms defiantly over my chest. They just don't get it. I don't want fancy cars or clothes. There is only one thing I want and only one thing on my bucket list.

To have sex with Edward.

**~O~**

Thanks for reading my snarky shenanigans. I hope you enjoyed. Leave a review? Pretty please?

More Snarklight to come. Stay tuned!

_**Need a fic rec?**_

**The three bloody oranges by Camilla10. **This love & vamps story is inspired by L'Amore delle Tre Melarance The Love for Three Oranges , a classical Italian fairy tale. There'll be passion, there'll be danger, and a surprise at the end. AU with vampires.


	3. Evil Shoes

**Disclaimer:** I'm just a snarky gal. I don't own Twilight.

**Warning:** The following is a parody or what some would call a crackfic. I will shamelessly poke fun at any and all characters with bad, snark-filled jokes. Just sayin...

Thank you to my beta, **Vintagejgc! **I tinkered with this after beta'ing, so all mistakes are mine.

* * *

_We continue our journey with Bella preparing for her wedding day._

* * *

**Snarklight: Evil Shoes**

I do not have a plan to destroy the evil shoes. Nope, I'm going to wear those death traps at my wedding. That's the plan and I'm sticking to it.

Or at least that's what I made myself believe all the way to La Push.

The truck backfired as soon as I parked it, alerting Jake to my presence. He came out wearing nothing but jean shorts, his beautiful abs on full display.

I wiped the drool from my chin and tried to focus on the task at hand.

What? He was flexing them! You try looking away!

I decided it was probably safe to reveal my plan. Here with Jake, Alice should be blind to my future. She won't be privy to my plans to destroy the wedding shoes of death.

"Jake, I need your help."

He scoffed. "Your blood sucker can't help you?"

"Not with this."

"Nuh uh," he said and then pouted. "I'm mad at you. Leech lover."

I pouted right back, blinked my eyes all innocent like and said, "_Please,_ Jake. I want to defy one of the Cullens but I can't do it alone. I need you."

He raised his brow. "You want to _defy_ them? Tell me more."

**~S~**

This is how I find myself at Edward's house, which is pleasantly empty at the moment. I have the shoes in hand. All is going well.

Jake is rolling around on the floor and otherwise touching as many things as possible, hoping to stink up the house with Eau de Shapeshifter.

I can't object. He demanded to be compensated for his time and it was either this or let him kiss me. The vampires will no doubt be cranky, and who knows what Alice will do once she finds out, but if I can successfully rid my life of these ankle-breaking monstrosities it will be well worth it.

I will not be sidetracked from my honeymoon sexy time with Edward. My health is absolutely paramount right now. Injury simply cannot be risked. The shoes must die.

"We're done. Let's go," I announce triumphantly.

"I need five more minutes. I haven't rubbed my stinky bare feet on the throw pillows yet. Hey, does Edward have a bed?"

"A bed? Of course he does- oh hell no! Don't even_ think _about it. Just make with the throw pillows so we can get the hell out of here." I glare at him and stomp my foot for emphasis, letting him know I mean business.

He flips me off and smirks, flexing his abs again.

I could have sworn he was wearing a shirt when we got here...

"Seriously, Jake, we need to go before she comes home. Can't you move any faster?"

He moves even slower. Fucker's still smirking, flexing too.

I turn away and head toward the door when something soft, like a throw pillow bounces off the back of my head followed by the sound of Jacob's uproarious laughter.

_Prick! _ I pick up said throw pillow and wing it back at him, missing him completely and gasp as it sails into Esme's vase and I watch with slow-ass human reflexes as it crashes to the floor.

Shit.

Jacob only laughs harder, his abs flexing with vigor now. I force myself to look away, trying to remember my plan. I need to move on to the destruction phase and time is running short. I was about to once again suggest we leave when another renegade throw pillow connects with my head, knocking me off my ever precarious balance and sending my nose straight into the mantle.

"Dude!" I shout, my hand rushing over my face, _shit! _That hurts! "Oh fuck," I groan. Now is not the time for a bloody nose.

Jacob apologies profusely and _now_ agrees that it's a good time to get the hell out of here.

"I can't leave now. I have to stay and deal with this. It's one thing to have them come home to their house smelling like dog, it another thing for them to come home and find dog smell right alongside the scent of my blood _and _signs of a struggle." I motion toward the broken vase. "I think it would be best if you just take off. I'll stay here and explain. Oh! Take the shoes!"

I run to him, thrusting the evilest shoes ever into his hands. "You must destroy them, Jake. Promise me." I put my hand over his and look deep into his eyes, entrusting my best friend with a task that could potentially save my life, or my ankles, and ultimately my sex life. "Promise me!"

"Sure, sure, drama queen."

***Meanwhile, at the mall***

A vision of Edward and Bella on their wedding day floats into Alice's mind. She stops mid-stride when she sees what Bella is wearing on her feet.

"What's wrong?" Jasper asks feeling his mate's annoyance and confusion rise substantially.

Alice does not answer, instead she closes her eyes and focuses on Bella's shoes but she can't _see_ anything. There is a void, a blank spot where the beloved shoes used to be.

"Those stinking mutts!" She cries, turning on her heel and walking quickly toward the exit.

Jasper follows and becomes concerned as Alice's rage continues to grow. Once in the parking lot, Alice removes her shoes and hands them to her husband. "These will be ruined if I wear them running through the woods," she explains.

"Whoa, where are you going?"

"La Push. It seems that one of those dogs have stolen Bella's shoes and I will be damned if I let her walk down that aisle in those hideous flats!"

"Alice..." He sends out a wave of calm and a little lust for good measure. "You can't go there. The treaty..."

She promptly smacks him for the lust and screams, "Fuck the treaty!"

**~S~**

Thank you so much for reading. I hope I made you snort.

**Wanna fic rec?**

It's an HP story... FUNNY as hell!

**Gangland by Bloody Fox: **Summary: Harry was exactly what Pertunia and Vernon had said, a criminal. Vastly AU. M for language. Crack-ish. _Prepare to laugh your ass off!_


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